The Hail Mary Module

I Have A Bug


Robbie the Robot – “Forbidden Planet” 1956

Until recently I was running along happily updating my financial databank with the fortnightly periodical payments owing to a being a high end Primary Office Worker Program operating in a Multiple Virtual Storage / Extended Architecture system in a Public Sector Operating Environment.

Then IT happened.

The result? I am now trying to work out how to decommission my Primary Office Worker Program and upgrade to a Self Employed Worker Module, and I have to admit to encountering some implementation issues that were not in the documentation.

One of the issues is that making the change to being self-employed is a daunting prospect. I am aware many, many Primary Office Worker Programs have made this transition willingly. They were, and are, brave units. Me? I’m different. I have the wrong hardware configuration. I’m a chicken with human architecture.

It would be more productive to believe I have extremely acute Security Protocols installed rather than a naturally dominant Coward Subroutine. Leave a secure job and a six figure income to throw myself into the world and start over?

Not bloody likely.

It will shock you to hear this, but I was forcibly uninstalled from my office operating environment by the background malware of a rotund valetudinarian co-worker program.

I am sorry you had to hear such language on this blog.

Wife Prototype Version 2.0 Program Failure

In brief, my employment status was reset by an ex-friend co-worker program because I rejected the  data bursts (not to mention the digital extrusions) he started to make towards my standalone mainframe when he decided he wanted to upgrade from Wife Version 1.0 to Wife Version 2.0.

Being a cautious chap he wanted to sample my software before he made a final decision about installation: User Acceptance Testing, if you will. My Security Protocols issued a system-wide alert when they detected the unexpected and unwelcome data bursts and digital extrusions and automatically engaged the Digitus Medius Subroutine installed in all the best operating systems.

(Note: in the Digitus Medius Subroutine the hardware architecture adopts a configuration thus – 👆 – but using the third or medius digit. In the colloquial it is often referred to as flipping someone the bird.)

I really think it was his mainframe structure that was most deceptive. We are programmed to think the superficially ugly must have the Heart of Gold Firmware, and the perpetual smile affixed on his primary cranial sphincter reinforced this bias. This attribute was reinforced by what I have now computed to be the subversive and deadly Apparently Good Natured Subroutine (adapted from the Marquis de Sade Infiltration Module), but at the time I, and all other co-worker programs, assumed it indicated the presence of the Heart of Gold Firmware.

In general hardware this unit most resembled Mr Toad of Toad Hall from The Wind in the Willows rather than Prince Charming from Cinderella, and additionally his moon-shaped cranial hardware display and character attributes most closely resembled that of Dr Evil after an untreated dose of smallpox.

Not the God Mod!

One unconsciously expects to find the Humble and Generous Subroutines common in this style of hardware, but it will shock you to your very electrons to read that he was actually running the most advanced version of the dreaded God’s Greatest Gift Module (or God Mod) – notorious for its system resource-hogging “bloatware” processes and subroutines – and that this outmoded and outdated subversive module was controlling his Social Interface Subroutines.

This was completely unexpected as there was no discernible reason for such an installation as it is patently not supported by his hardware environment. The disguise was further enhanced by the fact that the subversive protocols of the God Mod had adapted its attributes to form the Rear End Command Control of the Apparently Good Natured Subroutine, which served as the Front End or User Interface, a coupling known as the Walter Mitty or, more commonly, the George W Bush Configuration (in the latter of which the intermediary “W” is considered to be optional in the naming convention, and indeed in the Protocol itself).


Danger, Will Robinson!

Now as I understand it, my ex co-worker program  apparently thought he was in a kind of wife-application shareware centre when he was at work, and that by and large all he needed to do, after a suitable evaluation period, was choose his preferred version of Prototype Wife Version 2.0 and simply plug her into his God Mod controlled operating environment, after which he could reroute Wife Version 2.0’s financial databank into his own – a new experience for him, and one which the acute observer program would identify as the primary reason for the Wife Upgrade – then allow her to sit at his feet and peel him a grape as her just reward for washing his olfactory sensor destabilising undergarments.

The God Mod driving his Social Interface Subroutines convinced him that anyone would be grateful to be compiled with him into a tightly coupled dual processor operating environment (though of course with the God Mod sitting over top as system controller) and since Prototype Wife Version 2.0 is receiving the dubious … I mean undoubted honour of being considered for installation, she should terminate the Screaming in Terror System Alert and assign all system resources to the Servile Gratitude Plug-In.

When I, unknowingly flagged as one of the prototypes for Wife Version 2.0, flipped him the bird – I mean caused a catastrophic failure by executing the Digitus Medius Subroutine when he attempted to do a preliminary test of the tightly coupled dual processor environment – he took it badly and his Evil Stare Program went into a loop.

My sensors were spared the full horror of the Evil Stare Program for quite a while as the shock caused my Trauma System Emergency Response Protocols to collapse my mainframe into the foetal position. By the time my System Alert had returned to nominal, however, and the muscle cramping had ceased, the Evil Stare Program was still functioning, and, indeed, it continued to do so for some duration, in the order of eighteen months elapsed time, give or take.

I don’t know why my patently faulty System Alert should cause his program to initialize all his Insult Response and Hunter-Killer TSRs. After all, obviously it was simply a fault in my programming that I was unable to detect all the glorious attributes he contained as a potential Husband Version 1.0, what with grape peeling and underwear washing and the like, not to mention the supreme honour of being plugged into his God Mod, and he should therefore be glad that he found the bug before I had been installed and the subsequent de-installation simultaneously reassigned half his financial databank to my (admittedly yet to be tested) Divorce Settlement Module.

Obviously not tech-savvy, he whipped out his etch-o-sketch and, after figuring out that his finger was not a stylus, with a few friends worked out a nasty plan of malicious disinformation with the clear intent of misleading current and future collaborative programs about the nature of my operating environment. He put his malware into production without any preliminary beta testing.

Unfortunately for the Prototype Wife Version 2.0 (that would be me), the beta version of his character assassination virus program worked like a charm from the instant it was installed into the office operating environment.

While I was congratulating myself on having the good taste to recognize a complete prat when he did a crotch adjustment in front of me, unbeknownst to me my entire office operating environment was being infiltrated and restructured by his Trojan.

110% On The Reactor

Concerning his Crotch Adjustment Subroutine – which I, for one, am completely convinced is attached to his God Mod – his apparently faulty logic processors assessed that it would heighten his already fatal allure, and no, at no time did I wonder if this module could be removed. Such a task was patently redundant given his other many and varied optional modules and subroutines which included, I am sorry to say, such unpleasant programs as Public Nose Picking, Super-Sleaze Version 9000, the top-of-the-range Gluttony Package with all the extras, and, sad to say, the I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt Salsa Dancing malware. The last program is a terrifying TSR that activated spontaneously, in conjunction with the Crotch Adjustment Subroutine, whenever his optical implants identified a potential Wife Version 2.0 Prototype or a mainframe with the rare configuration of faulty optical implants, a malfunctioning olfactory sensor, and the unfiltered Slap-And-Tickle Plug-In (otherwise referred to colloquially by our linguistic processors as a Sure Thing).

Given also that there was a fault in his Sartorial Subroutine that failed to activate an Alert when a thick gold chain was coupled with multiple chins on a fat chest (his mainframe was absent the neck hardware which served to separate his cranial display and firmware databank from the rest of his hardware), the whole effort of removing any particularly unpleasant or undesirable program was rendered null and void by the fact that there were so many others that would automatically kick in to take its place.

Please Install Lawyer Plug-In

So, as I say, the beta version of his character assassination virus went straight into production, thus rendering the office operating environment largely incompatible with my program. Had there been preliminary testing of his virus it may well have triggered an anti-virus program to prevent or minimize the damage, but sadly that was not to be.

Effectively his virus launched a denial of service attack while at the same time initializing the horrific Malicious Gossip and Slimy Innuendo Hunter-Killer Program, the sole purpose of which, as we all know, is issuing false claims about the past and present operation of the target’s primary system functions.

Did you ever?

Nearly two years later I finally found my Career Module completely incompatible with the rewritten office operating environment, my hardware and software were both malfunctioning, my Temper Widget was suck on 110% on the reactor, and my right optical implant had developed a tick.

During all this time I never actually compiled what the exact nature of the installed virus was and could only assess it by its effect on my co-worker programs. Unfortunately however, my co-worker programs had apparently had an encrypted security sub-routine installed by the virus that prevented transmission of the data burst to me, on top of which they had been retro-fitted with a Terminator-style attack code that activated automatically on sight, and which made proximity to them incompatible with my Ethical Subroutines.

Eventually I pinged the office operating environment System Manager and queried the nature of the virus with the intention of eradicating it, but I was advised that I would have to install the well-known and dreaded Lawyer Plug-In and issue a subpoena to access that information, advice that I knew, if initialized, would corrupt my Finance Program.

Be that as it may, I am now in the position of having to install the Self Employed Work Module, and, as I say, I am finding the prospect daunting.

Desperately Seeking New Financial Subroutines

Now it is true that I have some Psychic Subroutines that are naturally a part of my operating system, but they have never been updated, or even properly maintained. As they operate in the Cloud I have, by and large, found their features to be detrimental to the smooth functioning of my Primary Office Worker Program, and have never truly desired to apply more CPU processing time to them.

However, since the denial of service attack, coupled with the false rebranding of my basic operating system functions (and being, of course, unable to install the Lawyer Plug-In to permanently eradicate the virus) I find that now my operating system is incompatible with most of the office operating environments currently in production.

What to do?

For the moment I am exploring my options for upgrading various of my systems, and possibly applying more system resources to the Psychic and Mediumship Subroutines, and possibly also the Writer/Blogger Subroutines.

As you can tell from the methodology applied to the transmission of this  data burst the Boring as Bat Sh*t and Nerd Plug-Ins are functioning over capacity and I could well reroute some system resources from them and apply them to more relevant and effective programs.

But as I am exploring my options for system expansion and modification I find that there is a problem. I have completely lost control of my Biblical Anger and Dire Vengeance Subroutines which have gone into a loop and are currently consuming a lot of my system resources.

I gotta say, those are some unpleasant subroutines there. I know we all have them, but really, they are detrimental to the smooth functioning of any operating system.

It is to restore the Biblical Anger and Dire Vengeance Subroutines to nominal operating parameters that I have decided to install the Living Really Well System Management Program.

It Would Never Be The Plot of an Opera

My memory engrams contain data relevant to an episode of Frasier where the two main Character Widgets, Frasier and his brother Niles, are talking about the best revenge being to have a good life, and Frasier’s brother Niles jokes about how you never see it in an opera … (to paraphrase) “and in the second act Blothello got revenge on Snidero by living really well”.

Now this is information I can compile. When a mainframe’s Biblical Anger and Dire Revenge Subroutines, in addition to the Temper Widget, are operating at 110% on the reactor they do not simply return to a nominal state by the system-wide pronouncement of the intention to install the Living Really Well System Management Program.

At the very least I need to have the system resources available to enable the installation of these desirable but resource hungry programs. Which brings me back to the need to install the Self Employed Work Module, to replace my Primary Office Worker Program. If I can just get that Self Employed Work Module installed and operating correctly, I can then bounce my Finance Program and bring it up fresh with the new settings to channel data packets into my finance databank, then I can expand my system resources, and FINALLY I will be able to install the Living Really Well System Management Program.

Keeping my digits crossed.

Until then I have to admit that Voodoo Attack Trojans designed to rearrange Snidero’s bits are going to look very attractive to my optical implants.

Sleep mode initiated …


Namaste _/\_ ✨

Copyright © Faith White 2015


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